Why Even Good Girls Lose the Good Girl Game

Many members of our society still believe in a "good girl" vs. "bad girl" system in which good girls only have sex under socially appropriate circumstances while bad girls have sex when they're not "supposed" to.

This is a completely bullshit system. As a woman who has sex when she chooses, I've never had a problem with my friends who choose to wait until they're in a committed relationship before having sex because I think of it as a difference in personal preference, not a difference in morality. I'm not hurting anyone by not waiting & they're not hurting anyone by waiting, so what on earth is the big deal?

At the same time, though, I feel concern for the women who buy into this concept because when you participate in a system that treats your sexuality as a bargaining tool for relationships rather than a personal choice, you are agreeing that you are not fully human: you are a commodity. Even good girls lose the good girl game; the reasons follow.

1. The system of "good girls" vs. "bad girls" is designed to ensure women don't feel particularly comfortable with their sexuality.

I once asked a male acquaintance why he didn't like the idea of being with a woman who'd had a lot of partners, and his response astonished me: he worried that a girl who'd been with multiple guys would inevitably find one of those men better in bed than him, and he didn't want to have to worry about that. He was literally admitting that he would prefer a partner defer sexual pleasure until she met him so that she would think of him as being good in bed. To avoid this, he, like most men I know who worry about that sort of thing, actively shamed women who'd been with multiple people.

Women who buy into this shame learn to think of sex as something they shouldn't desire unless it's a "reward" for men who have invested enough time & often money to "earn" sex. Sex isn't thought of as something that brings pleasure, first and foremost: it's thought of as something that brings shame and derision. It is awfully hard when you think of sex this way to really get in touch with your own desires: after all, you're not even supposed to have or acknowledge them!

We've all seen the results of this in our personal lives. Who doesn't remember an instance where a female friend felt guilty for sleeping with someone "too quickly" and became completely neurotic about the whole thing? Instead of being allowed to enjoy and live our lives, we as women are expectd to maintain constant vigilance when it comes to our sexuality, and it's competely absurd when you think about what it's based upon: male insecurity about THEIR sexuality.

Ladies, I urge you not to let whiny little boys - and that's what "men" like this are - have any kind of impact on YOUR personal choices. If a man like that is my prize for behaving, I sure as hell don't want the prize. I'm not even saying you should or shouldn't wait; I'm just saying it should be YOUR choice, not one influenced by insecure, often relatively sexually inexperienced men. The reason for this is simple: not all men think like this. The men I know who can talk to women easily and who are comfortable in their own sexuality & masculinity strangely never seem to hold these opinions. The next time you meet a guy like that, recognize him for what he is - an insecure loser - and move on to somone who gets that sex isn't a zero-sum winner-takes-all game.

It should be noted, however, that I have no problem with men who prefer to wait for a relationship before they have sex & want a partner who holds similar values: these men are not sexist.

2. A man who holds a double standard for sex before starting a relationship with you is going to hold that same double standard after.

This point is so obvious to me that I find it incredulous many women don't see it. If a guy brags about past conquests but expects a woman he dates to have as little of a past as possible - often using the excuse that he as a man "needs" sexual variety & has an inborn urge to spread his seed - what the hell makes a girl think he's not going to hold that same attitude and use those same tired excuses once he's in a relationship with her? They don't magically go away. Men like this, once they hit that inevitable point in a relationship where infatuation wears off & maintaining a good sex life begins to take actual work & planning, seem far more likely to me to cheat & use the same excuse for doing so that they did for having a past.

I've seen this a lot in my personal life, sadly. Many of my female friends have boyfriends who hold these attitudes, and literally none of them haven't been caught doing something shady with other women: asking for waitresses' phone numbers, making plans to meet up with other women one-on-one, sexting other women. The girls involved all know what's going on but turn a blind eye, probably beceause they have so bought into these men's bullshit about needing to be this way that they actually believe it's true.

If this sounds like a pleasant way to spend life with a partner, by all means, girls, be my guest & date guys like this. Just don't say you haven't been warned.

3. When a man cheats under this system, he is never to blame; only women are.

Under the good girl/bad girl system, men are never really to blame for their sexual actions; only women bear the moral responsibility of making sure sex doesn't happen when it's not supposed to. Why? Because again, men are portrayed in this system as being unable to control their sexual urges, while women are expected to be the gatekeepers of sexuality. It's the primary reason women who find out their men have cheated or acted shady with other women often blame the other women involved, not the men: they have literally been brainwashed to the point that they believe men can't control themselves, so the burden of making sure their partner doesn't cheat falls on *all other women*, not their partner. What an exhausting state of being that must be! Instead of placing the blame on their partner, the person they can and should be able to blame for this, they have to worry instead about countless nameless women they've never met, don't interact with, and have no control over. The number of times I've heard a girl with a boyfriend like this complain about "tarts" or "sluts" daring to respond to their man hitting on them, as opposed to taking the considerably easier route of blaming him for his actions and dumping his ass if he doesn't change his behavior, is astonishing to me.

Funnily enough, the women who don't buy into this system are the ones capable of laying the blame where it should be placed: with their partner who claims to love them & be trustworthy.


The bottom line: don't date guys who hold a double standard toward sex unlesss you want to be actively miserable.