Having trouble getting over someone? Sick of conventional advice that tells you to quit the person cold turkey and block them on social media and your phone as if that gets them out of your head? Great, I've got some tricks for you to use.
The first thing you have to realize when you can't get over someone is that, if you're obsessively thinking about them all the time, it's not so much that you love them as that you're infatuated with them. Infatuation is a bitch and a hell of a drug, a mean evolutionary tool designed to allow two potential long-term mates to find out as much information about each other in as short a time period as possible.
Why Is Infatuation Necessary?
To answer this question, think about how interested you usually are in finding out every single detail about another person's life. The answer is typically not much unless they happen to be extraordinarily fascinating or have a ton in common with you, and even then, you still don't need to hear them go on and on about themselves. Most of us would prefer to talk about ourselves than listen, if we're being honest.
With infatuation, you are as fascinated with this other person as you are with yourself. Your brain reacts to this new potential mate in the same way it does to drugs, alcohol, yummy food, and anything else that triggers the reward system of your brain: you crave this person and their words, their contact, their presence. This is awfully convenient if you're trying to gauge how much you and a new romantic interest have in common: suddenly you hang on their every word and care about mundane details like their favorite ice cream flavor or whether they prefer Coke or Pepsi. Nothing is too boring, typically, when it comes to someone with whom we're infatuated because it's nature's shortcut to rapid intimacy.
Unfortunately, even once a relationship ends, if we're still infatuated with that person, we're really not going to be able to get over them. Our brain still craves them the way we crave anything else that's a bad habit. Luckily there are some tricks you can use to get over that individual, because while it's important to realize that the object of your affection isn't actually important – your brain is just telling you they are, and you know damn well you've felt this way about plenty of people before and gotten over them just fine – why you are so obsessed with that person is the key to getting over them.
We Fall for People Who Complete Us
Make a list of qualities that you love in this other person. Are they incredibly confident in a way you're not? Smarter than you are? More fearless, more social, a deep thinker, charming, incredibly self-disciplined? Whatever the case may be, look at this list and now circle the items that are qualities you yourself do not possess.
Those qualities, right there, are what is important about your crush on this person. Again, the person is not actually as special as you think; had you stayed with them your brain would've calmed down eventually, the infatuation would've ended, and you'd have found out what they're like when they no longer make you feel so good with their mere presence.
We fall for people who have things that we lack, qualities we wish we had. So if you really want to get over someone, start developing the qualities they have that you wish you did.
For example, I once fell for a guy who was so incredibly confident he actually came across as desperately cocky to most of my friends. They couldn't understand why I was so obsessed with him; once I realized he was an asshole and dumped him, neither could I. It should come as no surprise to you that at the time I was having issues with my own levels of self-confidence; I was a push-over at best, someone who couldn't speak up about her needs and couldn't handle confrontation in social situations. At first I was having trouble getting over him, but I applied this rule and started developing my own confidence without his presence. I spoke up, pushed myself to do new things, and got myself out of my own comfort zone. As a result, getting over him was incredibly easy once I did that on a consistent basis. It was never him as a real person I actually needed; it was the self-confidence he had that I lacked.
Whatever you think is so great about this person is probably something that you lack in yourself. When you realize you're just projecting qualities you wish you had onto other people, crushes lose their power over you. You can focus on developing those qualities instead of mooning endlessly over the other person, and you'll find that you become a better person for it.
A variation on this is that many of us act differently when we're around a new love interest than we did before. Perhaps you're more eloquent around your flame, or more willing to try new things and take risks, or witty and intelligent in a way you weren't around other people. Again, start acting the way you did with them all the time. It really is that simple. Think of yourself as addicted to what you thought you were around them, and then be that person without them. You'll move the fuck on, improve yourself as a human being, become more attractive to new potential mates, and find that your life is happier for it.
No comments:
Post a Comment